A: A Frosted Flake.
A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off. “How did this happen?” the doctor asked. “Well I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied. “Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?” “No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, ‘I just paid $6,000 for these,’ then I put it in my mouth and I thought, ‘I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth fixed.’ So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, ‘this is going to make a loud noise,’ so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger.”
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, ';I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket.'; The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, ';I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married.'; The woman thinks for a moment. ';Why not,'; she giggles.
';Great,'; he replies, ';Get your own damn blanket!';
19 A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in **** up to their necks. The guy says “no, let me see the next room.” In the second room, people are standing with **** up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with **** up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, “I pick this room.” Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, “O.K., coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!”
55 A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. “Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize shes given you two $100 bills. Now, heres where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?” (Henny Youngman)
75 Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “Ill go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the towns only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I cant leave,” the doctor says. ‘But heres what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says youre gonna die.”
The perfect man is gentle
And never cruel or mean.
He has a perfect smile
And is always neat and clean.
The perfect man likes kids
And will raise them by your side.
He will be a caring father,
And good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking.
He will clean and vacuum, too.
He'll do what's in his power
To show his love for you.
The perfect man is sweet,
Writing poems with your name.
He's a best friend to your mother
And will kiss away your pain.
He never makes you cry
Nor caused you hurt in any way.
To hell with this endless poem --
The perfect man is gay.
POST YOUR JOKES!!!!
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BEST JOKE GETS 10!Got Jokes???? 20 cHARACTERS?
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in the train accident? Well, he's all right now.
What's the easiest way to make a blonde go crazy? Put her in a circular room and tell her there's a dollar in the corner.
Three girls went to IHOP with their boyfriends. The first said, ';Pass the sugar, sweetie.'; The next said, ';Pass the honey, Honey.'; The blonde one caught on and said, ';Pass the bacon, pig.';
Three sailors found themselves stranded on an island. There was a man who said, you must pass a test for me to get you off this island. First task, retrieve 10 round fruits from the jungle. The first came back quite quickly, bringing ten oranges. The man said, ';Now, I will stick these ten oranges up you butt; you may not laugh, cry, or scream.'; The sailor got passed three oranges before he screamed and the man chopped off his head. The next sailor came in with ten cherries. The man said, ';Now, I will stick these ten cherries up you butt; you may not laugh, cry, or scream.'; The sailor got through 9 cherries before he burst out laughing. When he got to Heaven, the other sailor said, ';Why'd you laugh? You were so close!'; The sailor replied, ';Because I saw the next guy come in with ten watermelons.';Got Jokes???? 20 cHARACTERS?
Barak Obama, Michelle Obama, and Oprah Winfrey were all flying in a personal jet plane to DC. Barak said ';You know, I could throw a one-thousand dollar bill out the window right now and make someone very happy.'; Then Michelle said that now that he mentioned it, she could throw ten 100 dollar bills out the window and make ten people very happy. Oprah said ';Yeah well what about one hundred 10 dollar bills. That would make a hundred people very happy.';
The pilot overheard their conversation and, rolling his eyes, looked at the copilot and said ';Yeah? Well I could throw all three of their asses out the window and make 50 million people very happy!';
():-)
Did you hear about the dyslexic bullemic?
She eats and then sticks her finger in her butt.
ur face
LMAO! the last was the funniest! XD
A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot.
As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.
';Your Honour,'; he said, '; I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!';
With a tired annoyance the judge replied,
';Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer.';
x
A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked.
Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door.
Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, ';Is that for sale?';
';Of course not!'; she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.
Unchanged, he replied quietly, ';Then, I suggest you quit advertising it.';
x
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. ';So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?';
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying ';Ehhhh... 22!';
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. ';And can you tell us your height, please?';
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces ';Five foot two!';
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. ';And, ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?';
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying ';Mandy!';
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks ';Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?';
';Ohh, that!';, replies the blonde, ';I was just running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'';
x
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
';What troubles you, Sister?'; asks the Mother Superior. ';I thought this was the day you spent with your family.';
';It was,'; sighed the Sister. ';And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.';
';I seem to recall that,'; the Mother Superior agreed. ';So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?';
';Far from it,'; snorted the Sister. ';In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!';
';Goodness, Sister!'; gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ';You must tell me all about it!';
';Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!';
';Oh my!'; commiserated the Mother. ';How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!';
';No, that wasn't it,'; admitted Sister. ';While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!';
';Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!'; sympathized Mother.
';But I didn't, Mother Superior!'; sobbed the Sister. ';And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!';
';So that's when you cursed,'; said the Mother with a knowing smile.
';Nope, that wasn't it either,'; cried the Sister, anguished, ';because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!';
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...';You missed the f**king putt, didn't you???.';
this is the best joke there is....
you!
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